absent..

I feel as if the pain that I carry has affected my strength and confidence. I’ve been hurt before, and it might make me feel different from other people. This vulnerability that I feel, feels like it comes from separation, abandonment, betrayal, violation, or the lack of self-love. At times, I feel alone.. thinking no one understands me.

I know that others have gone through similar experiences, yet I still feel alienated because my wound is unique., and I want to keep it hidden. Instead of dealing with my feelings, I have suppressed them in order to function and survive. I feel uncomfortable and angry, like life has singled me out and placed an unfair burden on my shoulders. I wonder why this has happened to me- it just doesn’t make sense or seem fair.

I feel different and “not normal” compared to others, I am hesitant and fearful who I really am lately. The pain may be blocking me from expressing this part of myself. Throughout my life, difficult events and experiences come along to highlight my pain, forcing me to see my fracture points. As a result, I became aware of where my wounds are- so that I can face them.

Once I acknowledged that there is uncertainty, discomfort, or wounding around the person I’m becoming, I am starting to heal myself. It’s like an initiation, making me incorporate what i’ve learned and eventually define my own sense of self.

I’ve been tempted to see myself as a victim , but that’s not the truth. My struggles may be the source of my greatest strength- even a gift. By integrating my pain, it will become a central part of my identity, giving me a powerful perspective and wisdom. It’s like an elixir or healing essence- I can use this knowledge to help other people.

Instead of feeling judged, I see this process as a lesson in vulnerability and compassion for myself…..

The best days are yet to come.

We will get though this.

-AS

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