direct tweet to myself.

This is going to be a bit different.. These are all my emotions, feelings, thoughts coming out and I feel I can no longer control them.

I feel as if my identity is being radically altered. I feel this is a period of transition.

I’m being pushed to face any shadow or unconscious behavior and uncover anything i’ve kept hidden and repressed. I’m experiencing feelings and circumstances i’ve never felt before. This energy is taking me to a deeper level, forcing me to shed parts of myself that are holding me back from evolving.

This process may be manifesting me in various ways. These changes I feel may be subtle and manageable but I am also finding this time to be painful and trying. In all scenarios, I feel the intention of my feelings are an overwhelming ordinary reality and have caused me to question how I define myself.

I feel it’s possible I’m facing a situation that I can’t change or solve. My will, strength, and logic don’t seem to help, and I can’t detach from what’s happening or pretend it doesn’t matter.

I honestly believe it’s intentional; I’ve been taken out of my depth for a reason. Sometimes, I feel I’m needing to push my external events to make necessary changes and motivate myself to take a much deeper look at my life in this world. What seems random is, in fact, a set of instructions for self-development.

At times, it seems like an immense gravitational force is making me look within. It could even seem like everything I know is being dismantled. My deepest fears about where I’m going and who I’m meant to be arise right now.

I’m starting to feel as if my life is merely being lived on the surface, like there’s something inauthentic about it or something crucial is missing. I feel disconnected from my true instincts and as if my identity is being broken down.

It’s lead me to worst-case scenarios, believing that what I want seems impossible. I feel I have a desire to overturn my day-to-day reality or even destroy it as a way to speed up my transformation and growth.

I feel as if I am afraid or overwhelmed by my feelings and try to push them down. This manifests my anxiety, depression, and irrational fears.

Regardless of my reaction, I know that it isn’t personal- I haven’t done anything wrong. I am honestly trying to confront the energy designed to break down my ability to control the circumstances in my life.

It’s like I’m being asked to courageously experience all my emotions and situations that are arising right now without knowing or being able to control the final outcome. It’s my time to surrender to what I am feeling. I am trying not to fight what’s happening or make sense of it, because I can’t right now.

This period of my life seems to be overwhelming, upsetting, and intense, but it’s an important initiation. It will be hard at first, but by the end of all this, if I consciously choose to participate, I’ll emerge stronger and more empowered for having endured it. I am learning what it is like to start from scratch and build myself anew.

-AS

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