It’s over.

Where to even begin….

Should i start with how i currently feel or the way i feel now, because my past?
I am probably the most corrupt individual with the biggest heart for the ones around me.. I have never written one of these but i plan on making this the most personal thing i have come to know.

If this whole blogging thing is supposed to sound intelligent or meaningful, i should not be attempting this..

Back to the basics, where to begin.. this is going to last for hours.

As a child, you come to love and believe in everything you are introduced too… It is just a normal instinct to have trust in the ones that are supposed to be your guiders and protectors! Coming from a broken home of parents that constantly fought, adultery was natural to the both of them. or so it seemed that way.

DAMN, it was supposed to be so easy being a child..

One night, detail by detail… my life had changed forever. My outlook on parenting, my outlook on right from wrong. My outlook on love and trust. You read books and hear stories about the people your parents warn you about.. “danger, danger” Good touch, bad touch.  Being taught by the ones, that impounded these terms into our minds.
.. then it happens. something happens. It feels like dream; more like a nightmare.
What am i talking about?  I’m just a child with a wild imagination.  For i am just a voiceless infant with words. I am  fruit, an unripe fruit.. that was picked way to early..
Why me?  I haven’t even blossomed yet.. I knew i was going to be more than just a fruit. I was supposed to be such a beautiful tree, with so many wonderful roots to grow from.
Well, i was wrong.. again.. It just kept happening, and happening. At this point, its kind of a natural instinct. Not really, just something you’re forced into doing… like chores..  Yeah? exactly like chores.. Like if i didn’t do what i was told, i would be punished for it.. How was i supposed to know if i was doing the right thing or not? I was only being led by my leader, my superior!
At this point, i am scared. I am unfamiliar with myself, my family, whom i could actually trust. Feeling violated for years… i lose myself.
Years go by, i don’t come around..

I try to forget this has happened.. Without having to go into detail just yet..
How is one, supposed to talk about them being violated.. revealed to the world. Well the touch and eyes of the ones they thought loved them as their own..
I was just a ten year old, trying to figure out what kind of plastic outfit i wanted to put on my polly pocket doll..  Yet, it wasn’t that simple. I was so scared.. SO very, very scared to come home every day.

Years go by,
its like every fucking thing around me clashed at once.. Not to mention, i was only 14.. The year i finally learned the difference in sexual activity, right from wrong.. This was my body and no one should violate it..

So basically, four years go by and it just keeps happening.. At this point i didn’t even care about living or dying.. I wake up, the only thing i could think about was this.. that..ALL OF That.

Somewhere along the lines, i find courage. The courage to say something..  The only voice i do actually have is to write it in a letter.. To a very close friend of mine at the time.  Fuck… was this a MISTAKE..?
How is one supposed to believe me, at 14…stating this has been happening for years now. no evidence, no witnesses…actually( ones that were shelled and scared). I knew i wasn’t the only one that knew.. but i definitely felt alone.. And man; was i alone at this point.. Cops, defax, the whole corrupt city of this place.. I was hated..

I knew i had to move. I knew life was over in this place. My secret was out, (more  like my lie) or so people referred it too.
Miles, and miles, Months and months…
Nothing could get rid of the memories and torture my mind had gone through.. My mind was the least of my worries.. the perception of me, ate at me everyday…and I’m still a child,..
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Lets pretend we skip a couple years. I space.. life is so shameful… I feel as if everything that has happened to me is my fault..
WHAT am i talking about, it only been a couple months.. I wish it were a couple years..

After leaving, more like disappearing for a couple months, i show my face again. hoping this would be forgotten about..
Like i said, logically, its only been a couple months. (6 minimum).. Lets play this game again…

What game?

What game you ask? The “favor”, game…..
At this point, we can already assume what starts to take place again..
Like i said, its only natural to play along..Not like “play” but be contaminated, used… What the fuck is going on… I have no clue.. My mind is gone.. MY heart is racing.. I secretly cry out… I desperately cry out.
I disappear for a while..

years pass.. I say nothing, why would i say something, its not like anyone believed me the first time… i had been sexually abused for six years, secretly..but not so secretly.. just ignored and distracted but what they didn’t want to actually know..

Wait a second..They didn’t want to face.. For me? ha! For me? I had to face this demon..this burden, every day!!!!  At this point, it is…yes, still normal..
At this stage, they call it “grooming” their victims..and buddy, i had a fresh mane.

I guess you could say i was 15, 16? at this point… not really sure.. mind is gone.  Emotions are fucking out of wack..

Junior in high school..It finally calms down. You would think, being the age i was, you would know..
OH, i did..this was the worst to come.
Junior year had ended..
Not the best years of the past at the last school…so i move back into the same place as this monster…

what the fuck is wrong with me? But wait its not me..its what seems natural..

Senior Year:
This will be seven (7). years of torture, it may be hard for most to understand..

even typing this i am still having a hard time understanding..
the the final step to his finishing came to an end.. my life, my soul and my dignity had been penetrated but not my body..
And we’re done just like that..  I am a woman.. Its time to stand up..

With EVERYTHING i had in my body, i had the courage to stand up to my worst enemy and say no.
This wasn’t the end….
I kept silent for a a couple years.
Throughout those years, i was more self destructive than before.
Sex, drugs, alcohol… whatever made me forget the reason i hated myself..
I absolutely hated myself……………………..
………………………………………………………………………………………….

It all came down to the day i couldn’t take it anymore.. My own life before my hands, also the hands of the person i had just laid the burden into.
My absolute life savor…lord how she saved my life that day…

No actions were made, just open ears..no judgment, just  tears and sorrow.
And all she did was listen as i told my story.. she believed every word.

FUCK, i hated myself even more.. Now someone else knows..

i knew it wouldn’t be long until should couldn’t keep this disgusting secret.
About a year later,IT ALL WENT TO HELL..
She had told..

My world has unraveled at this point, no one was supposed to know..
God, i wanted everyone to know but i was scared more than life itself,..
not even being in the same state..I am being interviewed over the phone.. I knew my life was over.
The only person i felt that had my back, was myself.. I was so wrong..
At this moment. I was scared and so happy at the same time i didn’t know what to think.
Precincts, Investigators, and lawyers get involved…..i am nothing but secretly ecstatic.
Mind, body, soul…I am Shaking..This my my word…My own evidence, personal encounters against someone else’s… I’m exploding in the dark.  Reaching for the endless dream… Endless miles between myself and my right state of mind.
I cannot go through this… This is the time when shit gets real!
YES, SHIT!!!!!      FUCK!!!  I’M GOING CRAZY…what does everyone expect right now?

for me to be “lying again”??????????????????

Buckle up, fuckers.. you’re in for hell of a ride…
Plea deals…
Oh wait,

This actually makes sense now?

OMFG….

Im stunned, NOT!
I will not give full details of this happening, but lives are (were) at stake…
but what no one knows is, what i had told that one person my “burden”, was only the half of the truth…

God damn..it comes down to me….

The DA..
HIs word, his attorney……MY word, against theirs… i WAS NOT WORRIED..
for the last time in my life, was i scared of someone..
At this point, everyone knows; no one necessarily knows, but has an idea.

Back to  the Plea deal…
HA.. 180 days of, aggravated sexual abuse on an innocent child

sorry guys, this gets intense… Not happening buddy..
But he was only getting this because i have not yet been interviewed for my say…just for he said she said..

three days later.. i am sitting in the DA’s office..  Beyond scared for my life and innocence and sanity.. but at this point, my word is all that matters!!
I tell every god fearing, trenching story, happening….. every fucking detail..
I leave in tears.. MY life had been revealed..
Every second, moment, memory of my “lovely” god forsaken, tragedy, was spilled, for the world to trample upon……………………..
thinking my life was over, after not getting feed back for about a week,

I gained confidence in life again..
here i am 21 years old..
Just now getting closure of the worst childhood anyone could ever imagine..

hearing his sentence was the easiest..
Trial was the worst,
his family versus mine, one court date and it was final..
didn’t even give him a chance in a story, i felt like it was my turn to on  life again,
i didn’t hold back one fucking second!! Every detail, every disgusting detail was told that day… five hours, by myself in the district attorneys  office.. was hell and a rude awakening,.

but the moment i was able to tell my full story, with no judgment, no worries and no regret.. i was safe! My siblings were safe, my life was safe! MY whole fucking world was resurrected!!!!!!!!
Minimum 7 years, Max 20…
The court day came up, after i had spoken my entire life fulfilled, story…

Every detail of my child hood  was spread around the court for every one to hear!
A  good 200 people of the court,

Let alone, MY family! Who was there to support me.. Whom had never heard my testified story, and then they did..
Every aspect of my life, every detail, every mistake i ever made because of this, brought up in court.. A Federal Court System.
Yes, i was scared.. No, i  was not ashamed!
After every detail had been addressed, AND admitted too, I Knew it was all over..
I was finally free…I am me. I am human.  I can now live. I can now tell my story!!

“A trigger is anything ( a sight, sound, smell, toucher thought ) associated with a past of negative event that activates a memory, flashback or strong emotion. Because triggers are directly associated with a particular event or event(s). That explains why different stimuli will trigger different people; and why a therapist can never remove or avoid every potential trigger in practice setting..”- Life..

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